So He Said

"Do you ever get tired of doing the same thing over and over he sad?"
"Yes", she answered, "that reminds me of...

Ten Lies I've Told My Kids

You gotta stick with it. Although I personally never kept the same job more than 2 years. Dealing antiques don't count cuz I spent more money collecting things than I ever made.

Wearing your mums warm sheepskin slippers if you are a boy will give you fibromyialga. And that's just painful.

Keith Richards and I are the same age. That's what drugs will do to you.

That secret tubular death punch that will drop you, the one I learned to protect myself with at academy, is just my version of a kick to the groin.

I did not read my sisters collage course books back in high school due to my love of reading and creative way to solve boredom. It was mostly her abnormal psychology book cause of the sex.

I have nothing after the number three. When I get really angry and count at them, I wouldn't know what to do if they made me mad past three. The world will not end, my head will not blow off, and they will not "get it". Don't tell them.

I hate watching any sport that I'm not in. I wish they would take up collecting stamps or gaming on line.

I want them to live in my basement and never move out.

I never got farther than basic math classes. I only passed basic math because of my cleavage and the fact my teacher liked to sit on my desk. For that matter, do not tell the state. The financial board should probably double check the oodles of bucks I manipulate.

I didn't stop inviting Elaine my old long time friend over cuz she lives so far away. She has a big mouth and talks about my naughty bad days. If she ever lets slip about my greenbush days, Ill just die.

So He said

"If that's how you are, I'm ok with it," he said, "I could have two moms, fat mom and skinny mom."
"Shut up, only if you call me skinny mom", she replied promising herself to look longer at Brad Pitt when she had too.

So He Said

"Oh that was the alarm going off", he said when he eventually reached her "I thought it was the birds from where I was."
At least that is what the newly deafened girl waiting in the door guessed the grinning rookie the inmates rounded up said as he finally shut the system off and watch her drive away.

So He Said

"Everyone looks fat", he said stepping back to take the heftys in.
"It's the world be live in today" she answered peering at the screen that used to be her wall without the benefit of glasses.

So He Said

"Ma'am you got a minuet, I need to talk to you ", he said standing in line with the other men out side her door.
The girl knew he really had nothing to say but he needed a mother, a sister, a wife, or a daughter on Thanksgiving so on that day she would listen.

So He Said

"People have become fatally lost a hundred feet away from the tour group", he said sporting his best khaki, his voice echoing through the cave.
Before her panic set in, the crusty stalactite hanging off his upper lip had caused the girl to purposely lose sight of the guide forty five minutes and one rescue squad earlier.

So He Said

"You don't sweat much for a fat girl", said the soft puffing tourist in front of his cronies.
So the girl with no self esteem pretended to laugh as she left the dance floor no longer glad someone had finally asked her to dance.

So He Said

"I just love ham", he said slicing meat for pizza, " what animal does it come from?"
The school girl training the new tosser could not wait to start collage and stupefy.

So He Said

"You are not a monster, I am the monster", he said.
And then the girl danced for the Boogie man and he was swayed.

So He Said

" I brought a couple boxes of wine, a bag of Alpo and something for the dogs", he said with jubilance.
The girl ditched her inhibitions and crawled into the yurt with December legs acting like July.

So He Said

"How did you brake your collar bone", he said staring at her fragmented x-ray.
She did not want to tell him she fell off her chair at the dinning room table while eating dinner on New Years Eve so she answered,"Partying", in what she hoped a tuff voice- "I was told", while praying he would not question her cat.

So He Said

"So you never raise your middle finger to anyone", he said to his little sister, "because it means....eagle."
When the four year old found out the real meaning, she flicked him off constantly for not telling her the whole truth.

So He Said

"Am I going to have to love it like it's my own?" he said to the girl frantically waving the strip of paper she had just peed on.
Expecting anything but that she did not know what to do with her face.

So He Said

" I do not know what I would do with out you ", he said in an earnest voice directly in her ear.
But he never said " I love you" to her heart so she thought she would let him try.

So He Said

"Keep your hands off my plate and just eat your own food," he said through clenched teeth to the girl in the upscale restaurant when the CEO stepped away.
"I couldn't eat my lunch today ", she said as she handed her Styrofoam container to the pair of bums sharing a pack of frozen hot dogs on the out side bench she had watched trying to defrost their weenie's for the past hour.

So He Said

"We'll have a great time in Vegas", he said as he stirred a circle of cream into the coffee she just served him and blew a smoke ring from the corner of his sensual mouth.
"No", she said as she stared at his large nimble fingers cupping the mug where his wedding band should have been.

So He Said

"Is there such a think as a good zombie?" he said in a flat voice his hands never leaving the controller and his eyes glued to the screen.
"Anything that eats your brain..." she tried to answer as she waited for the paint stripper to um ...

So He Said

"Just mail me my damn 'permit to purchase a hand gun' woman!", he said with a mouth full of anger.
"Send me my damn divorce papers and you will get your permit", she screeched in her inbread trailer voice.

So He Said

"If you buy a membership in the museum, you get ten percent off the picture you just purchased," he said, "that's alot."
"Not alot", said the number dyslexic girl who could not see the difference between the $120. charge she thought she made with $1,200. marriage breaker she just saddled herself with.

So He Said

"Some words are really hard to spell..", he said as she nodded prematurely in agreement, "..out in feces when you are trying to make a statement.
So began her shit thesaurus composition.

So He Said

"I love the smell of garbage in the morning", he said as he pushed the heavy reeking janitor cart full of rotting leftovers and scraps out the loading dock to the dumpster, "it smells like...victory."
He told the girl he layed in his bunk mornings waiting for the 4 am switch out so he could come into work just to get out of his cell.

So He Said

"Using outsourced material will double our product production and turn costs around for the company", he said using his power point technology.
She swiveled 360 degrees in her office chair and laughed.

So He Said

"Taboo, we are soo TABOO!" he erupted gleefully a glean in his eye and his silk tie loosen, thrown back behind his damp neck.
"No, we are not tabbouleh until we stir in the turmeric", she told him not so excited.

So He Said

"A big girl like you with arms like that could play the trombone", he said after crushing her heart.
She tried to be a trombonist but the girl yearned to drum and they didn't need another so she quite and just took to trashing hotel rooms without a band.

So He Said

"Mrs. Ravendalhen said you have to be my friend", he said to the shy girl on his first day of the second grade.
He repeated it in the third grade to get her to pass notes, then the fourth grade when he needed a science partner and the sixth grade when he wanted her to hang out at the snow carnival, and in the eighth grade when he got Debbie Newgate the sophomore knocked up and was too scared tell anyone but her, and by the time he had the shy girl climbing into his bedroom window to write plays instead of cleaning the Lutheran church across the street in the ninth grade or when in he got Debbie pregnant for the second time in their tenth grade year when she kept his baby or finally when the North Stars dropped him for using drugs, and a few times in between and after.

So He Said

"You will marry me if I get you pregnant", he said in a unmistakeably hopeful voice.
She vowed to her self to break up with the cowboy as soon as she finished.

So He Said

"All you got to do to look good is follow me around with your clip board and write down what I say so you remember to take care of the issues later", he said.
So she trailed behind him jotting down things like "self important fat ass waists time" and "my ex boss used to spend two hours in the bathroom and another playing fantasy food ball as I took over his job, the twit."

So He Said

"You sure this is what you want", he said in a scared voice.
Her hand on the flashlight shook despite the gin and she had never been less sure of anything but she had already pulled the wool hat over her ears to muffle the sound that would follow her nod.

So He Said

"Bla bla bla", he said in his monotonous voice, his blue eyes extra watery.
Does this man ever shut up, I've got more important things to think about like sleeping bags, duck eggs, and Windigo's to concentrate on-"OH HEY WHY IS EVERY ONE RUNNING OUT OF HERE IN THE MOST UNORDERLY FASHION?" she thought then yelled.

So He Said

"Do you ever take risks, dive too fast, experience severe mood swings, or have bursts of energy or creativity followed by depression?", he asked rapidly after calling the girl by the wrong name and never looking up from his massively large paper strewn desk directly at her.
She watched the dangerous brightly colored pills swirl around her toilet bowl and pictured herself rearranging all his desk papers to spell out her name correctly before setting it on fire.

So He Said

"You see anything?", he said to the frozen girl as she entered the cabin.
She pictured the large wild canine tracks on the snow covered pond she passed in the daylight on her return and answered, "Let's just keep the little one tending the fire for the rest of the trip."

So He Said

"So my real father is actually a top secret asternaught away all these years working on an exploration study three galaxies from here?" he said with great big eyes widened in question just like his missing dad.
"Four", she said.

So He Said

"Ooh sexy boots, you from around here?", he said as he gazed intensely into her eyes and guiding her genitally down into the buttery soft upholstery.
"Shut up and just do me again", she snapped impatiently brushing the bleach blond bangs from her eyes while making a mental note to switch hair salons.

So He Said

"Is the man of the house there, this is Bob from the NRA, and I understand your husband has donated to us recently..", the telemarketer repeatedly ask her every night about dinner time.
"No", she answered in a tearful sounding voice, "my husband died from a gunshot wound to the head."

So He Said

"I said, "Can you FIT"", he repeated with a look of pure annoyance and frustration on his young face.
She wiped her saliva out of his toy box and promised herself to start taking the time to listen with both ears.

So He Said

"I never eat protein and carbs together at the same time, it screws up your metabolism", said the pompass chubby antique dealer as he helped himself to another of the pulled pork sandwich the girl had brought in for the workers.
"Ok, I'll remember that if I ever wake up fat", she replied flicking her paint brush at his back as he waddled past.

So He Said

"In ah uh cupill minets you won'tt feel a thinngah, sweetie", said the good Dr with a slur.
She gripped the arms of the dentist chair and watched with her peripheral vision the Novocain as it shot through her cheek missing her gum altogether hitting the cheery printed wallpaper and knew she should have just applied a hammer directly to her mouth before arriving.

So He Said

" I never even told any of my girlfriends that I loved them", said the idiot sitting across the restaurant table she had chose for this meaningful day.
She sat staring dumbfounded as he continued to squirm and babble and she wished he would have let her finish her planned breakup sentience.

So He Said

"Hungry Like a Wolf is a real song and not just an Old Spice commercial?", said the kid not believing coolness was as old as his mum.
She showed him the YouTube video, but told him nothing of the small import vehicle or the country she was in for that matter the first time she heard it.

So He Said

"I need to make my appointment for another melanoma peel this month", said the Sargent as he finished off the entire bag of her peanut brittle with a satisfied sigh.
The girl wanted to tell him cancer thrives on sugar, how he should be eating apricot pits instead, but she enjoyed his enjoyment too much and wasn't as good at cracking fruit centers with a hammer as she was at baking.

Deep Pockets Full Heart

Cost of cell phone upgrade for tweenager who has lost/broken phone. $159.00
Cost of comfortable workboot for when tweenager goes back to work. 76.00 (more than any pay check earned so far.)
Cost of sushi for late dinner after long evening shopping. 47.00
Sound of little boy's voice rising about the crowd at check out lane. "Mom? Mom! I've been abandaned. I don't remember where we parked?"
Price less.

Heart Break Food

Recently, while I was hanging outside waiting for a sign with alot of time on my hands I thought about wienies. I do not often think about tubular meat but I had a couple great ones in the middle of the night in Europe during my pre-asternaught days. They are alot of work but worth it, as they will fix anything that ails you. And you can not eat them in space.

Here is how you build them.

REMOULADE
2 c. mayonnaise
1 tbsp. prepared mustard
1 tsp. anchovy paste
1 tbsp. each chopped capers & gherkins
1 Tbs fine chopped onion
2 chopped hard cooked eggs
Salt & white pepper to taste

SHRIMP SALAD

1 can medium sized salad shrimp drained
1/4 cup ketchup
1 rounded teaspoon grated horseradish

Steam or grill an old fashioned foot long hot dog
Grill a piece mixed grain flat bread until warm
Spread a layer of mashed potatoes on warm bread
Lay hot dog on mashed potato cover flat bread vertically
Spoon a line of romaulade sauce along one side of dog
Spoon line of shrimp salad on other side of dog
Roll up in a cone like shape
Top with carmilized onions

Eat with a spork. Buy bigger pants.

*not my picture as I do not pour ketchup on top as you can see

Dear Asternaught Letter

Dear Asternaught,

You can just kiss off now. You are way too cold for me, ice Asternaught. Hope you get the bends upon re-entry if you ever decide to show your oxyigen sucking face on this planet again. Heard the scientists had to weld your helmet on your ugly mug so the black hole they were shooting you towards wouldn't spit you back out. Know what else? Down here your fat. Too bad you are all alone up there, with no gravity to hold your "little shuttle" down for a change. I was just only slumming with you. I really wanted an alien. And I want my solar sytem mobile back, space pig.

Postcards to My Asternaugt

I baked a cake for your coming home party. It is shaped like a rocket and made of butter cream. I'll just continue practicing popping out of it with my big net until you get back. Act surprised.

Post Cards to my Asternaught

So. I suppose you are way to busy at your control panel with your levers and monitors to look out your window. You really should take a peek. See that deer stand with the heart painted on the roof? I built it higher than legal just to be closer to you.

Post Cards to my Asternaught

I tried to you spell you out a love message in a crop pattern. But the growing season here is over. So I used chickens. From my roof they look like the Asian word for goiter hag.

Post Cards to my Asternaught

Do me a favor while your up there? Mess with the planetary alignment's a little. Arrange Aquarius to look like.. oh maybe big a pair of lips. Instead of a silly water bearer. Then maybe you will find me sexy instead of drippy.

Post Cards to My Asternaught

The down side of up is me.
Come home Major Tom.

Post Cards to My Asternaught

All those nights we spend together on my Tempur-Pedic, does it qualify as asternaught training? If so, I'm going to pack every left over Forth of July fire work I can get my hands on under the dust ruffle and meet you around Pluto.

Post Cards to My Asternaught

By the way you never left me your temporary address. I know you asternaughts are shy, and like to be left alone so I am just sending these cards to Santa in hopes he forwards them. I'll just sit here under the mail box with my binoculars and wait.

Postcards to My Asternaught

Do you think of me in hyper space? Or do your weightless memories float away, higher.
Tape a snap shot of me inside your helmet, will ya. Make it sad.

Post Cards to My Asternaught

Can you pick me up a few things on your way back? I want:

Moon Shadow
Cheese
Stardust
Mini Black Hole
A silver cloud lining
Any unanswered wishes I can grant
Alice
One pocket alien who doesn't eat too much
Another pocket alien to keep first happy
You.

Post Cards to My Asternaught

Is it all it cracked up to be up there in space? Peeing in your flight suit, is that hard to do? Was there a simulated astro elimination class at NASA? I have to focus on these things while your gone. Me not being able to wrap my (helmet less) head around rocket science and all. Beats the thought of you breaking down.